I realized after I posted about being scared last week that I had forgotten the serenity tool that has gotten me through all the tough times in my life.  Whenever I am facing something that scares or worries me I imagine the worst possible thing that can happen.  I have always realized that I am capable of dealing with whatever that worst case may be and it allows me to let go of my free-floating anxiety and prepare for reality.  My children are probably sick of hearing me ask, “What’s the very worst thing that can possibly happen?” when they call me worried about something, but they’ve also learned to use the tool themselves.

So, what’s the very worst thing that can happen when I have my scans next week?  Disease progression is the worst thing.  Can I handle that?  Of course I can.  I feel well, no matter what the scan shows.  I don’t like experiencing emotions that drain me and don’t produce results.  Anger, worry, and fear are the biggest of those.  While I can’t control what the scans show or how my tumor acts, I can control what I think and do.  I would much rather spend this time enjoying my loved ones, earning a living, living each day as fully as I can than worrying about what may come next week or next month or next year.

Right now my life is full of autumn leaves, crisp air, school concerts and an upcoming trip to my beloved New Mexico for continuing education.  Someone asked me if I couldn’t get an exemption from my continuing education requirements due to my lung cancer.  I can’t, if I want to continue practicing medicine.  I could bet that I’m not going to live long enough to have to go through the next licensure/recredentialling cycle.  But it doesn’t really make much sense to me to bet against myself and boy would it be a drag (and expensive!) to try to get 100 hours of continuing medical education squeezed into a month or two.  So I’ll continue to practice medicine and do my continuing education and have everything all lined up to fill out all those forms when they come due in March 2010.

Serenity is what I’m after.  Acceptance without resignation.  As the old song goes, what will be will be.  I’m here to live it, whatever it turns out to be.