Searching for Energy
That’s what my life is centered around, right now - searching for some energy. My pain is controlled except for some mild discomfort in my left hip when I’m walking around on it. Occasional mild nausea is controlled easily with medication. I just can’t get past feeling like someone hooked up a giant vacuum and sucked absolutely everything out of me.
I’ve decided to beg off that last chemo treatment that we had scheduled for December 1st before the scan on December 8th. I felt so poorly after the last one that I’d rather just get the scan and make a decision about further treatment when we see what disease is doing. I know I keep saying this is coming and then putting it off, but the rapid progression of the weakness and fatigue over the last month makes me feel like both total disability and Hospice will be fully in the picture by the end of the year.
Honestly, I don’t even know how to describe the weakness. How can it take so much out of me just to sit down to the computer and compose a post? Take a shower? Walk across the room - not to mention going up a flight of stairs? Can the tumor really be stealing so much from me metabolically? I guess so. But I really don’t like it. Finally, after all this time, I’m finding myself sad and angry at the same time with nothing to do but whatever the disease allows me that day.
One day at a time.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Lisa, you need to be angry and sad. This cruel disease has taken so much from you. We need to fight so hard for all of you. Something must come along to zap this cruel monster. It must not win. You must win. I so want your Thanksgiving to be a happy one.
November 22nd, 2009 at 7:21 am
One day at a time. This is my first comment, but I began reading your posts a year ago when I fell in love with someone who had NSCLC. A lifelong non-smoker, he battled the disease for three long years, and his mantra was always three more months. He lived his life from PET to PET.
I’ve watched you struggle through many of the things he struggled through and it breaks my heart all over again.
This disease changes us all. I volunteered with Columbia, S.C.’s first Free to Breathe 5K yesterday in his memory. Like you and like your friends, we’ll never give up. We’ll forever support this cause and work to promote awareness of and funding for lung cancer.
My friend was given a book “All Will Be Well,” which contains some of the words of Julian of Norwich, a medieval English mystic and spiritual writer. Day 8 includes a section that reads:
“What is impossible for you is not impossible for me. I shall honor my word in everything, and I shall make everything well. So I was instructed by God’s grace to hold steadfastly to the faith, and, at the same time, to believe firmly that everything will turn out for the best. For this is the great action that our Lord will accomplish, and in this action he will keep his word entirely. And what is not well shall be made well.”