Searching for Energy
That’s what my life is centered around, right now - searching for some energy. My pain is controlled except for some mild discomfort in my left hip when I’m walking around on it. Occasional mild nausea is controlled easily with medication. I just can’t get past feeling like someone hooked up a giant vacuum and sucked absolutely everything out of me.
I’ve decided to beg off that last chemo treatment that we had scheduled for December 1st before the scan on December 8th. I felt so poorly after the last one that I’d rather just get the scan and make a decision about further treatment when we see what disease is doing. I know I keep saying this is coming and then putting it off, but the rapid progression of the weakness and fatigue over the last month makes me feel like both total disability and Hospice will be fully in the picture by the end of the year.
Honestly, I don’t even know how to describe the weakness. How can it take so much out of me just to sit down to the computer and compose a post? Take a shower? Walk across the room - not to mention going up a flight of stairs? Can the tumor really be stealing so much from me metabolically? I guess so. But I really don’t like it. Finally, after all this time, I’m finding myself sad and angry at the same time with nothing to do but whatever the disease allows me that day.
One day at a time.